Beauty from Ashes (Part 2)

I wish I could say that this positive pregnancy test calmed all my fears, but no, they just morphed into a new, hormonally-charged worry. This time I felt much more pregnant than I had with the two we lost but we decided to do some hormone testing to be sure everything was looking okay. When my progesterone levels were headed in the wrong direction, we decided to supplement. I filled my progesterone prescription and began the supplements, preparing myself for about four weeks of this, since I could stop once my placenta had formed around 14 weeks. I was ten weeks along and my crazy hormonal anxiety was a daily struggle so we decided to have an ultrasound for some peace of mind. We celebrated as we heard a good strong heart beat but wondered why baby was much smaller than a normal ten week old baby in utero. Baby was only about eight weeks and four days old, based on measurements, but doing well. Long story short, we moved my due date a couple weeks later and praised the Lord that I had already started supplementing my progesterone when baby needed it most! While these were all good signs, I am ever the skeptic. I wavered back and forth between trusting God with whatever outcome He had planned for our family, and worrying that I couldn’t handle losing another baby. Every morning I would wake praying for the baby and every night I’d fall asleep praying for the baby. I tried to remind myself that the Lord alone sustains life and He wants me to pray for the desires of my heart. It was for this reason that we shared the news with a few people so they too could join us in praying. I prayed more consistently for one thing than I ever have: God, please preserve the life of this little one!

Three weeks passed and I needed to refill my progesterone prescription since the due date adjustment had thrown it off. I had slowly stopped regularly reminding myself about God’s trustworthiness and became increasingly fearful that I didn’t need this prescription refilled because baby was already gone. Sure, I had absolutely NO basis for the fear, but hormones! Not coincidentally, the week before my prescription was going to run out was the week that my husband was sermonizing (preparing to preach) for Sunday. During one particularly difficult day, I texted him asking for prayer and he responded that the passage he was studying said the phrase “fear not” three times. Lots of tears. How could I fear not when I had no guarantee of the outcome?? Oh, right, that’s kind of the whole point… Could I rest in perfect peace because I trust the God who wrote this story long before I was born? Did I believe He would be with me if we lost another baby? Did I believe He is still good if we had to say another premature goodbye? I called to schedule another ultrasound for the following Tuesday. When my husband preached that week, I had to fight hard to keep my shoulders still as I wept… IN CHURCH (gasp!)!! But I couldn’t hold it in. I knew God was telling ME not to fear. I could trust Him and His plans for me and this baby and I could make it to Tuesday before we got to actually see how baby was doing. This time the tears flowed when we heard that swishing, fast heart beat and watched our little peanut wiggle all over. We needed the refill! Baby was still alive and kicking and I was still an emotional mess of a hormonal pregnant mama.

After this ultrasound we decided it was time to tell the girls, which meant I needed to be ready for EVERYONE to know. But it would explain to our very observant Emma why mama’s belly seemed to be getting bigger (because let’s be real, baby #3 at nearly 12 weeks is hard to hide). These pictures are the girls’ reactions to the news (photo cred: Stephanie P).

All along I’d been convincing myself not to get my hopes up that we would have another biological child, but it was becoming harder and harder. I was starting to get excited. I was starting to think this might really happen. Talk about emotional roller coaster. My husband has dealt with so much of my up and down, back and forth, trust and fear, faithfully praying for me and our little one. He’s a keeper. In the weeks following this ultrasound, more people were made aware of our coming addition and were SO very excited. Honestly, I had a hard time dealing with the excitement of other people because all I could think every time someone beamed another “congratulations” at me was that it would be one more person who would have to deal with another loss, if that happened. Obviously this is connected to when we lost Josiah. Our whole church mourned and wept with us and came alongside us so well, but one of the biggest lessons I had to learn through that was to be willing to be the recipient of help and prayer and love. NOT my natural tendency. I’m a strong, smart, capable woman and I’VE GOT THIS. Psh. This time around I’ve been so hesitant to be excited that I think I’ve missed out on so much of the joy. I’m thankful that others have been excited from the day they found out, even if I was still fighting to believe it could really happen.

Once I made it to fourteen weeks and five days (the age Josiah was when he stopped growing), it felt like I was watching every second of the day tick by. My next midwife appointment wasn’t until I was sixteen weeks so I just had to wait and pray and hope and trust (like women have been doing for centuries!) that it would go well. I still had the image in my mind of the midwife searching for Josiah’s heartbeat on the Doppler when I was eighteen weeks along with him. She never found it and that was the start of me realizing that all the weird little things about his pregnancy were indicators that it wasn’t going well. This time the midwife searched briefly, found that heartbeat, and let me listen. To her, it was routine. To me, it was a miracle. This baby made it past Josiah’s age. This baby might actually live. I might start feeling this baby moving soon!

After this appointment, we could set up an ultrasound to find out the gender of our little one. Again, bad memories and difficult images were etched in my mind as we planned and went for this ultrasound. I’d been telling myself for months that I was probably having another girl because I probably can’t have boys. I’d even started telling my husband and others that I thought we were having another girl. I’d begun looking at baby girl names because we’ve had a whole list of boy names forever, but girl names always seemed hard for us to agree on. Imagine my shock when baby happily cooperated with the ultrasound technician and revealed a VERY different ultrasound than we’d previously seen! Before the tech revealed the gender both my husband and I looking at the ultrasound thought to ourselves “Wait a minute….. is that….. a…..?” BOY!!!!! Holy moly. That’s definitely a boy! We’re having another son!

I still can’t describe how I felt in that moment. Shocked? Amazed? Excited? All the emotions all at once? Alice and Emma both said they wanted a baby sister. They’d had Little Dude as their baby brother for 8 months now and were apparently ready for a change. Uh, sorry girls? We decided to buy some boy onesies for our July baby BOY and let the girls unwrap them to reveal his gender. I sort of expected Emma to say “NO!” and start wailing, but they were ridiculously sweet. They are SO excited to have a baby brother and just want him to hurry up and get here.

July is still four months away, so I don’t even know the end of this story yet! I feel like every day the Lord is challenging and convicting me and teaching me to relax and trust Him. The emotional roller coaster seems to be evening out (ish) and I’m feeling our little man wiggling around inside me every day. Sleep is getting harder as my body adjusts to this big belly, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. All these things mean my boy is growing. We will meet him soon and it will be hard, but so so worth it.

One of my fears has been that I would put a son in the place of God. After praying that God would give us a son, being afraid to even want a son and then finding out we were going to have a son, another Isaiah sermon brought Isaiah 43:6 to my attention: “Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life.” In context, this verse is God speaking to the people of Israel, but the Sunday that we read it in church it hit me: God loves ME. He really, truly loves ME and has gone to great lengths to show me that He loves ME. I’ve been a Christian since I was sixteen and I’ve “known” this a long time, but over the years came to believe more in a God who wanted to judge me for my sins (which are many). As a sinner who deserves nothing, God sent His Son Jesus to die on the cross for my sins and then conquered Satan, sin and death by rising from the grave three days later. I’ve told myself for years that I don’t deserve any good thing in my life, but I think I missed a very essential aspect of God’s character in the meantime. The God I serve loves me enough to bring me through losing two babies, hear my heart’s desire when I was afraid to utter it to Him, and grant me that desire at the moment I least expected it. He spent YEARS patiently orchestrating events to teach me that He loves me and wants to give good gifts to me, as His child. In the weeks following this sermon, the Lord has continued reminding me that He loves me and that He has given me what I need for today to trust Him and love those around me. I still don’t know what the future holds, but I do know Who holds the future and I know He is faithful and good and trustworthy and He hears and knows and loves me. What more have I to fear? He has been my salvation and I cannot wait for the day when I see Jesus face to face in heaven. Oh what a day that will be!

Beauty from Ashes (Part 1)

It’s hard to know where to begin writing about something that has been in process for years, but since I process better through writing, I finally decided to write this all out. My purpose isn’t to glorify myself or our circumstances, but to point others to the Lord. He has so patiently met me and taught me in my weakest moments and revealed to me more and more of His character in this process. There’s some pretty raw stuff in here as I've sought to be open, but please understand that I am not glorifying my sin, or seeking approval from others. I’ve been talking more and more with other women and new moms lately, sharing parts of this story at times, and have felt convinced that I should share how God has worked in my life and what He has patiently taught me so others can love and serve Him better and know they aren't alone in their struggles. For those who take the time to read this (as it will likely be quite long), I hope it encourages you to seek the Lord and never give up asking Him for the desires of your heart. I hope it challenges you to lean on Him each and every day, knowing He is good and he never leaves or forsakes His children. I hope it reminds you that He is worthy of ALL of your trust and that it is good to fight to believe He is trustworthy. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I hope this gets you thinking and wondering about the God I serve, the God of the Bible, Maker of Heaven and Earth and YOU and ME. He is not far off or distant and wants us to run to Him and know Him through His Word.

The story starts long before this, but I’ll begin with the birth of my first daughter: Alice. I had a very hard time bonding with her. I didn’t feel the immediate adoration that I’d heard of and thought I’d seen again and again in other moms. I felt lost, confused… pressure. I didn’t know what I was doing and I didn’t just “fall in love” with my daughter. I figured something must be wrong with ME for feeling this way and was too scared and prideful to let anyone into my whirlwind of a world. I pushed my church family away because I felt ashamed that I didn’t simply “get” motherhood. I pushed my husband away because he didn’t know how to help. I pushed God away for “making” me go back to work full-time when I clearly needed to figure out what I was doing. It was a rough start to parenting.

By the time Alice’s first birthday rolled around, I knew I was pregnant before I took the test. We were excited. I was scared. It felt like Emma’s first year of life I was constantly asking myself “WHAT DID I DO?!?” While bonding with Emma came a bit easier, largely due to feeling less guilty since I was home with our two girls, it certainly wasn’t easy having her plugged into the wall for the first week of her life as her tiny body fought jaundice. Those lights (baby spatulas, as we came to call them) were incredibly frustrating and disheartening and I wondered if I could really do this whole thing again when I already felt like a failure of a mother. Clearly I lacked something really motherly-important because these two beautiful girls God had entrusted to me felt like more of an inconvenience or disruption than a blessing or gift from Him. I just wanted to sleep! I just wanted my body back! I just wanted some quiet! Once again, I pushed God away and tried to muster up all the motherliness I possibly could.

Not surprisingly, I became the kind of mom I never wanted to be: easily frustrated, unhappy and often losing my temper and yelling at little people who had expectations placed on them that were beyond unrealistic. So when I found out I was pregnant for the third time, just after Emma’s second birthday, I wasn’t excited at all. I dreaded “how I could do this” and prayed that God would somehow work out all the obstacles that I saw in our lives before we could have three children. He answered my prayer, but certainly not the way I’d hoped or expected. Josiah Nathanael, our first son, quietly slipped away and met Jesus face to face long before we said goodbye. I watched my husband process by reading God’s Word so often that I wondered if he was really actually “processing” the grief. But I realized that he didn’t know what else to do, just like me, so he clung to the Lord. Blissfully aware of my bias, I’m sure my husband is one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, but he’s not God. It hit me that I’d been putting God-sized expectations on my husband, when that was clearly never his role. So, he led me by quiet example and I quietly followed. Those days and weeks were a blur of tears and guilt and hiding myself under the shadow of the wings of my Great Comforter. I became determined not to push God away after loss when I had pushed Him away after blessings. Since I had no clue what to do with this “determination,” I read and listened to God’s Word a whole stinking lot. I focused on the promises that He hadn’t left me, He comforts and He gives us a future hope. I memorized and frequently recited to myself a handful of bible passages and prayed earnestly for another son. I so badly wanted to see the kind of little boy we would have and watch the man I adore raise a son to be just like him. Yet I saw myself as the “weak link” in our family. My husband loved our girls so well, right from the start, and here I was, ruining them. I also began thinking more and more about foster care, though wasn’t fully convinced I could do it.

As the year drew to a close, we did begin to seriously pray about fostering and started an initial application, only to find out weeks later that I was pregnant again, which brought foster certification to a screeching halt. After losing Josiah and having never “felt” pregnant with him, I was very sensitive to the lack of pregnancy symptoms this time around. I never felt sure this baby would live and was less surprised when my intuition proved correct. Baby #4 never got a name from us and never grew past six weeks. While this loss was less unexpected for me, it was much harder in some ways. Not many knew of this loss, so I felt more compelled to plaster a smile on my face and pretend everything was fine. I became convinced that our second loss was also a boy and maybe I couldn’t have boys. Maybe there really was something more “wrong” with me than I thought and I needed to focus on thanking God for the healthy girls He already gave me and pursue becoming a foster mom. As we processed through our grief and attempted to help our girls do the same, we talked and prayed more and more about fostering. It seemed like the question that constantly entered my mind was “why SHOULDN’T we foster?” instead of my previous “why SHOULD we foster?” Up to this point I’d thought we needed to have a special draw towards it, or have always wanted to do it. As we prayed and waited, the Lord was patiently teaching me that I wasn’t the “weak link” because He had already made me new through Jesus. God had provided a three-bedroom condo for us to rent at a price well below market value (with my very own WASHER AND DRYER!) and provided a minivan for us. He had plans and they weren’t finished. He continued growing me in my relationships with my girls and even now keeps reminding me that He gives me what I need each day, each hour, each minute… if I just ASK!

We pursued foster certification even as I wrestled with feeling as though I had somehow failed my husband by not giving him a son. And then I would feel guilty like somehow my girls were a consolation prize. How awful. Meanwhile those two girls were (and still are!) growing into caring, considerate, fun-loving, beautiful young ladies. I can’t imagine our family without my best little “helpers.” Yet, I still wrestled back and forth between feeling a failure and the guilt but was too afraid to continue asking God to give us a son. I thought maybe I could have another daughter, but we just needed to be content and thankful without a son. In hindsight, I think I was too afraid to ask God for a son because I didn’t believe He could be THAT good or THAT loving. After all, I’d known plenty of women who had struggled with infertility and prayed for years (some are still praying) for healing and a child. Here I was with two healthy girls, struggling to love them well, and discontent with the blessings God had given me. I believed God loved me, but didn’t owe me a single answered prayer, least of all for a son I would likely ruin!

After the summer, our foster certification process really began and we accepted our first short-term placement of a sibling set in April. It was NOT pretty. I realized then that we weren’t in a place to foster a sibling set, so we changed our profile to singletons. Our second placement only lasted eight days, but our third placement began just a few hours after #2 was reunified with his parents. Little Dude came to us June 15, 2016, one month before his first birthday and weighing in at 27 pounds. He had the longest eyelashes I’d ever seen and was a pretty easy-going baby from the start. However, his easy-going temperament didn’t change the wrestling in my heart. I found myself resenting him for being born. How ridiculous I feel just writing that! He and I have gone up and down on this roller coaster of grief and foster care unknowns. There were days, sometimes weeks, when getting through a day with him felt only barely possible.

During this time we began studying the book of Isaiah at church. It felt like every week we were talking about trusting God and every week I would cry and beg God to help me truly trust Him: most especially for our family and the number of children we would have, biological or adopted. Little Dude and I would have some good days and some bad days, but we were getting used to each other. Part of God’s working through the Isaiah series was regarding my attempt to control the timing of another possible pregnancy. The Lord kept challenging me that He was the one in control all along, no matter what I did that made me feel like I had set my plans in motion. So we stopped preventing pregnancy. Having gotten pregnant four times before without any issues or delays, I anticipated a positive test the very next month. How little I had learned about Who was really in control! Several months went by and each month, with every new sermon in Isaiah, I cried and prayed that I would trust God in the waiting and remember that He alone is the Author and Sustainer of life. Isaiah 26:3 grabbed my heart during this time: “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Oh, how I longed for that perfect peace! Yet here I was, anxious and wishing somehow I could just know what was ahead. Will I ever have another biological child? Will I be a failure of a wife that couldn’t have the four children we hoped and planned for?

Then October came. October has historically been a difficult month since I moved to California as I miss my formerly treasured autumns in New England, but now I mourn the loss of Josiah and his little brother or sister because they weren’t born that month. Coupled with the Isaiah series and a handful of other (perfectly orchestrated) events, I was so glad to finally enter November and put the emotional mess behind me. But that’s when we saw the positive test!

To Our Son on May 20, 2014

Dear Josiah Nathanael,

Today is the last day I will have your tiny, three-inch body inside mine. You have probably been in heaven for over a month, without any pain or tears. We miss you already and are sad to have so few memories with you, but praise the Lord that He has rescued you from this world. You are healed and we so look forward to meeting you when the Lord calls us home as well.

I decided, though, that I needed to tell you how God is using you so mightily in my life. On Feb. 15, 2014, I took an at-home pregnancy test which, to my shock and dismay, told me your little life had begun. I was scared and didn't feel ready for another baby, but mostly caught up in what we lacked materially: insurance, a car that could fit three car seats... and I didn't want to be pregnant for my sister's (your Aunt Lisa's) wedding on April 5, or during the hottest part of summer. So I missed out on treasuring some of my time with you because of my own selfishness and fear and lack of trust. My first trimester with you was much unlike my pregnancies with Alice and Emma because I hardly felt sick at all. I felt very hungry though! I also thought you were a boy from very early on and began dreaming about seeing your daddy, Andrew (though some call him "Happy") with his first son.

Sure enough, the ultrasound on April 18 confirmed that belief: God had given us a son! I will never forget the look on your proud daddy's face as he took my hand and squeezed, as if to say, "I just can't wait to meet my son!!" But you didn't move during that ultrasound. They said you had a heartbeat, but we never heard it. You probably left your body not long after that. I had a nagging doubt in me after that ultrasound and thought I wasn't growing as I should be. I didn't want to believe we could lose you so soon, but God had other plans. As I dreamed and imagined welcoming a little boy in October, you were already rejoicing in heaven.

On the fourth birthday of your big sister, Alice, I started spotting. It was Tuesday and my next appointment with the midwife was Thursday so I waited and rested and prayed that we would hear your little heart beating. We didn't hear you on the Doppler and couldn't get an ultrasound until the next day at 4 pm. The midwife said my uterus was small and that she thought you were already gone. Friday's ultrasound confirmed that you only grew to about 13 or 14 weeks and then left your little body for a much more wonderful home. Because it was already late in the day, we weren't able to meet with the doctor or schedule any procedure to take you out of me. At first I was impatient, asking God why so much delay? But on my last day with your tiny shell I've come to see that our great God never makes mistakes. He knew the number of your days. He knew the pain we would feel at losing you. He knew and He knows now what lies ahead.

We will never forget you, our precious, healed, gift from God! We will always love you, yet our love is only a pin prick compared to the love of the God who made you and welcomed you into heaven. He has not left us alone, but has been our ever-present help in this time of need. His mercies have been new every morning and we have known His great faithfulness. He has given us hope and reminded us that each day with the ones we love is to be cherished. But how much better it would be to join you in heaven with Jesus! I love you, little man!                                         ~Mama (Amy)

"I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together! I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."                                                      ~Psalm 34:1-4, 8, 18

"Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy. Let me dwell in your tent forever! Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! For you, O God, have heard my vows; you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name."                                              ~Psalm 61:1-5

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."                                                                                       ~Job 1:21

Speech Therapy

Alice is starting speech therapy classes this Wednesday, September 11. This came after her June 10 speech evaluation when we were told that she would more than likely be able to receive free speech therapy through California's public school system. We met with the two speech therapists last Wednesday, September 4, to go over her evaluation from June and learned that Alice was put in the highest of the four need-based categories: Profound. She qualifies for 45 minutes of therapy, one day a week for the next year, when she'll be re-evaluated. The therapist walking us through all the paperwork smiled and said "So, it's good that you brought her when you did!"

But I have to admit, that hopeful, look-on-the-bright-side attitude which she demonstrated was quite far from my thoughts at that moment. Inside my head looked a little more like...

"Is she going to be scarred for life? Why didn't I bring her in sooner? I've failed as a mother and she's only three! "

Andrew & I didn't get a chance to regroup after the meeting as he had to get to work, but his first reaction (as I found out when we talked that evening) was more like "There's nothing wrong with my daughter!"

Since then I've had more time to think and pray. This past week has been one of intense blessing as I've wrestled with the feelings mentioned above while noticing more than ever how quickly she's learning and growing. For example, she's really loving drawing and writing, especially her name. If you haven't seen it on Facebook, here's the picture I posted of Alice writing her name all by herself.

In addition to all this I've been reading a book called Give Them Grace: Dazzling your Kids with the Love of Jesus by by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick & Jessica Thompson. I've mentioned it before and, yes, I'm still reading it because I don't want to forget anything I'm reading in it! They talk about watching your kids to notice areas of strength and weakness in order to help them learn how to use their strengths well and improve in weak areas. I don't do justice to the wisdom they share, but it's got me thinking more along the lines of noticing things my girls do well and encouraging them. My tendency is to look at the weaknesses and blame myself for failing my children, rather than seeing that God has created them with exactly the strengths and weaknesses that He planned for them.

Also, it's really hard being a parent. Duh. But seriously, she's three years old and I really think I should be able to keep her "safe and warm" in my little bubble of mom-protection. God is teaching me that I can't fix everything for her, no matter how much I think I should be able to. Not to mention the fact that my "mom bubble" is only in my head. She's in God's hands and has been from the day she was just a tiny little embryo, even before that! God has entrusted her to Andrew and me and we are responsible for how we raise her and how we demonstrate the gospel to her. But it feels easier to think I can take care of her rather than trusting God to protect her or allow trials in her life that are exactly what He planned for her. I can't help but think of Job's response to his wife's lack of faith when they have experienced so much loss.

"But he said to her, 'You speak as one of the foolish women would speak. Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?'" Job 2:10

This is not to say that I think Alice's need for speech therapy to be something "evil," but it does remind me that God is not surprised at her need. In fact, He has even blessed us with the opportunity to get free speech therapy for her.

So, perhaps, this is my first opportunity to learn that I can't keep my children from experiencing difficult things in life. Just think of what we have in store! Actually, I'd rather not. I'll just take one day at a time.

New Videos!

If you're on Facebook, you've already seen all the videos I linked to on the right sidebar. But, hey, I just watched them all again :-)

Also, I've just added a way for our blog readers to find my Instagram pictures (which doesn't make much difference to Facebook users, but I know there are some out there who will enjoy this)! The only kind of bummer is that you have to make your own Instagram account and then "follow" me. Hopefully it's not super annoying.

Sorry for the ridiculously short post after two months of silence. Summer is busy. This week is VBS at church. Last week Andrew was gone at camp with our high schoolers and I went up to visit the Santa Clarita Gilmores. In two weeks he's gone again to Mexico. So, summer is busy and I need to get to bed!

We Went to Israel

There's really no way to do justice to our 10 day trip to Israel in one blog post, even if it's long. We had a group of 20 people: 16 from our church in southern California, 1 from our "extended" church (our missionary) in Spain, 2 from northern California and 1 from Indiana. Our group contained people in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s. By the end of the trip (perhaps even sooner than that) we all felt like family.

For Andrew, this was his third time visiting Israel but first with his wife (we weren't married when we lived there in 2004, but we did start dating there) and church. He loved watching the rest of the group experience the "wow" moments so characteristic to a first trip to Israel. Actually, I loved that too. We also both really enjoyed being able to hold hands more since we weren't holding a child or two!

For me, the trip was confirmation that many of the things I learned when I lived in Israel haven't been lost completely, even after having two children! Actually, I thoroughly enjoyed the constant go-go-go pace and was very thankful at my husband's promptings to hike stairs to prepare. I was also thankful for some really excellent hiking boots and socks from my sister and her boyfriend. It made SUCH a difference to not have blisters on sore feet at the end of the day. I also loved being able to visit the moshav where we lived in 2004 and remember many of the "firsts" of our relationship.

If you're interested knowing in the places we actually visited, feel free to check out the blog we updated while in Israel. There are also pictures and a video or two you could watch.

The reason I haven't updated yet is because it turns out that returning from a trip 10 time zones away from your home is kind of challenging. Add to that a pre-schooler and a toddler that have been without Daddy & Mama for 11 days, a luncheon for 15 at our apartment, 3 weeks of jury duty (for Andrew), a flooded kitchen/dining room, a toilet overflowing all over the bathroom floor, Andrew officiating his first wedding (this Saturday), and Andrew finding out on Friday night that he needed to prepare a sermon for Sunday morning some time when he wasn't in his 9am-4pm Saturday class.... Andrew also is preparing for our church's annual business meeting in a week and finishing his semester. Welcome home!

Clearly I could go on more about the last paragraph, but I won't. If you're really interested, you can always email us :-)

Today was the first day since we returned that has felt "normal," whatever that means. It has proved to be a good day of reflection and remembering the goodness of the Lord, even in the midst of a busy schedule. I am overwhelmed with all the ways I have seen the Lord at work and feel incredibly blessed by my husband, children, family and church family. While I do want to go back to Israel, it's really good to be home.

Forgiven

As we prepare for our trip to Israel, it feels like there's just too much to do and not enough time to do it in. I keep trying to focus on the fact that in a few short weeks it'll all be done and we'll have some unforgettable memories to share. But today I'm reminded of forgiveness.

Lately I've had some really amazing conversations with some really amazing people in which God reminds me that I'm forgiven. I don't parent my children perfectly, my attitude towards my husband isn't always loving, my house isn't immaculately clean, dinner is often late (and sometimes doesn't taste that great), laundry waits until no one has clean underwear; I'm lazy, lacking self-control, a people-pleaser, impatient, prone to anger... the list goes on...

But at the very top of the list is "forgiven." Some days I like that it's there and other days I don't, but that doesn't change the fact that it's there: FORGIVEN.

On my nightstand sits a book titled Give them Grace: Dazzling Your Children with the Love of Jesus by Elyse Fitzpatrick and her daughter, Jessica Thompson. I've recommended a few books before on our blog, but I think EVERY Christian parent should read this book. I'm not even done with it, but have recommended it to several of my mom friends. It's convicting, yes, but has re-aligned my thinking not only in my parenting but in the rest of my life.

I want to be more willing to show my imperfections to other people, especially my husband and children. I want to be ready to ask forgiveness when I know I've sinned. Isn't that what the gospel is all about? We're sinners in need of a Savior. Our Savior is in the business of forgiving sinners who know that they are sinners in need of a Savior. No one has it all together, no matter how much it seems like they do. But when we sinners accept Jesus as Savior, it's not like all of a sudden we don't need grace anymore. We still need forgiveness. We are dependent on it.

Or at least we should be.

I wish I was this cool...

Or this cool...

But I'm pretty sure he is...

I love my family :-)

These Days

Today has been a hard day. I woke feeling out of it and needing to get out the door. Struggled to keep my heart in whatever it was I was doing. Felt frustrated, tired, annoyed, overwhelmed, like a failure. Didn't want to read my bible. Didn't want to pray. Didn't want to ask the Lord's help for my stinky attitude.

Now the girls are in bed and I "made it" through the day and am looking forward to going to bed soon.

I just had two weekends in a row of some really wonderful spiritual enrichment: our church's women's retreat and a conference with our high school girls. Both weekends provided me with opportunities to be reminded of God's work in and through me. He reminded me that He's got it under control and He wants me to trust Him.

But today? Uh. Fail.

Thinking of Psalm 51 (I know this is about David's sin with Bathsheeba, but how often do we grieve over "little" sins??)

"Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit" (vs. 9-12).

Today I'm reminded that I'm not home yet. But I so look forward to heaven.

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.' And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.' Also he said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true'" (Revelation 21:3-5).

Until that day, I pray that on these days I'll get my bad attitude out of the way and let God use me for His glory.

Friday Night

Some times I start a blog post and don't really know what I'm going to end up writing about. I have a few things in my head that may end up in the post, but maybe not. Not sure if that's good or bad, but it usually means I can't give the post a title until the end. Which means that some times I publish the post without a title, realize (hopefully quickly) what I've done, and then re-publish with some title that is at least remotely related to the post. So. Now you know.

Yesterday the girls and I visited two playgrounds. Mainly I wanted to test out our new camera, but I did honestly want to get them outside for their own good. It was fun. The whole day was fun. Sure, there was a little whining, but it was less than normal. Alice even left the playgrounds without crying. Yes, playgroundS. She didn't cry when we left either one. Made me think I might be doing something right. Y'know that verse about pride going before a fall? "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall" Prov. 16:18. If you've never read that verse, there you go. Kinda felt like that today. Bummer.

Right now I'm posting while Alice finishes her dinner. She's been eating for an HOUR. Good news is that now she actually appears to be consistently eating rather than playing. Emma's just sitting in her chair happily watching Alice and playing with her tongue. Feels funny if you think about it. Can you imagine if you didn't know what your tongue felt like and then discovered it? Pretty amazing.

My new goal is to be in bed by 9PM every night. I may not be ready to fall asleep (though some nights I am for sure), but at least be in bed and asleep before 10PM. The goal being that I can wake before Emma and read my bible and exercise and maybe even SHOWER before she is out of bed. Hasn't happened yet, but I'm headed there. I can feel it.

Okay, Alice is "Done! Done! Done! Done!" so I'd better get going. Happy weekend!

p.s. For those non-Facebookers... Pictures HERE!